So here's the situation. I just had to resign from a job I only had for 6 weeks due to my mental health. How did I get here?

I'm weary. No, that's not the right word. I'm broken, as in "not functioning". I've soldiered through the last 20 years accumulating emotional pain that I stuffed away...because "I can do all things through Christ", right? I couldn't let my brokenness show because as a Christian I had to keep it together so as not to be a hypocrite. Or so I believed.

That's how I got here.

How do I fix it?

"I" can't. I've done therapy, book after book, breathing exercises, meds, healthy diet, weight loss, I even retired early to make time for all these things. They are not bad strategies, but they only deal with the symptoms and not the cause. The cause is in my head. A continuous playback video on a loop of all the most devastating moments of my life. Or (and this is new) a fictitious video of my future in which I'm old, alone, broke, sick and living in a van. Between the hours of 3am and 6am both these videos are playing simultanously. 

I have a choice. Live in the hell of anxiety, depression, shame, regret....or fight back!